Friendship: What is it?

I continue today in a series drawing from the wisdom from Proverbs.  Today we will examine some of the things Proverbs says about friendship.  Let’s just start by describing friendship.  The term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other.  Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. Friendship is characterized by:

• the tendency to desire what is best for each other.
• sympathy and empathy.
• honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth.
• mutual understanding.

Friendship in the Ancient World

I’ve often noticed in my reading about the ancient world just how serious a matter friendship is.  Ancients took their friendships very seriously.  They wrote philosophical texts on friendship – Cicero’s De Amicitia for instance.  They pondered how to maximize their friendships.  The wrote books extolling the virtues of friendship and explaining how to develop friendships.  This is a very sociological reason for this.  The relative scarcity of institutions for the provision of vital services – such as banking, hotel services, insurance brokers, etc. – accounts for the importance of friendships.  Friends were banks, hotels, and insurance brokers.  Big government posts or other important offices were often distributed as favors to friends.  You would go to your friends for such things.  Friends were persons you called in emergencies who were expected to display solidarity and lend support.  On the other hand, you had to do your side.

Decline of Friendship

The number and quality of friendships for the average American has been declining since at least 1985, according to a 2006 study. The study states that 25% of Americans have no close confidants, and that the total number of confidants per person has dropped to 2.

In recent times, some thinkers have postulated that modern friendships have lost the force and importance that they had in antiquity. C. S. Lewis for example, in his The Four Loves, writes:

"To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it. We admit of course that besides a wife and family a man needs a few 'friends'. But the very tone of the admission, and the sort of acquaintanceships which those who make it would describe as 'friendships', show clearly that what they are talking about has very little to do with that Philia which Aristotle classified among the virtues or that Amicitia on which Cicero wrote a book."

Basic Themes and Verses

It is in something of this context that the book of Proverbs speaks about friendship.  In the Bible, central to the idea of friendship is the notion of ‘loyalty.’  The classical statement of this in the Bible is Ruth’s promise to Naomi, “Where you go I will go, where you lodge I will lodge; your people shall be my people and your God my God; where you die I will die, and there will I be buried.  May the Lord do so to me and more also if even death parts me from you” (Ruth 1:16f).  The friendship of David and Jonathan is perhaps the most well-known.

Another important friendship text is in Ecclesiastes: "Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falls; for he hath not another to help him up."

As you might expect, the book of Proverbs gives instruction on how to develop friendships and how to be a friend.  I’ve divided the texts up into three basic themes or issues related to friendship.  We’ll look at each individually.

Friends are Loyal and Faithful

3:3 Let love and faithfulness never leave you;  bind them around your neck and write them on the tablet of your heart.

17:17 A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need.

18:24 Some friends play at friendship but a true friend sticks closer than one’s nearest kin.

Friends are loyal.  Friends are faithful.  Pro 3:3 speaks of binding loving kindness (chesed) and faithfulness (‘emeth) around your neck.  Both these terms are standard terms used to describe the obligations one side of a covenant owes to the other.  In other words, they are covenantal terms.  Chesed means a kind of covenantal loyalty that leads to merciful action.  Chesed means proper covenant behavior, the solidarity which the partners in the covenant owe to each other.  In other words, you have an obligation because of your commitments that leads you to help the other person out. 

Last week Kitty called me on Friday telling me that our van wouldn’t start.  She called AAA and we had a jump in no time.  In previous times, I would have had to rely on friends.  But, AAA was my friend.  But they have an obligation to be nice to me because I’ve paid my dues.  I’m a part of a covenant; a contractual arrangement.  That contractual arrangement demands that when I call, they come and give me a tow.  Their loving kindness stems directly from the contract.  They wouldn’t do it for non-members.

This passage seems to be saying something like this.  Friendships demand loyalty and faithfulness almost the way a contract does.  Friends come with contractual obligations.  That isn’t a bad thing even though it can be very taxing.  Bind your heart to this truth.  Your friends will cost you at times.  Be willing to pay the price.  Don’t be the kind of person who is only looking out to advance your own interests and be friends with those whose friendship is always beneficial.  Realize that, at the deepest sense, your interests are advance by loyalty and faithfulness.

Here is the voice of wisdom.  Sometimes friends become a headache.  Sometimes they have more issues that you would like.  Sometimes they get into trouble and do things that embarrass or disappoint you.  Be loyal to your friends.  Don’t simply choose friends on the basis of what they can give to you.  Be loyal to your friends even though it taxes your energy.  The best life is lived when we have meaningful friendships and this is demanding on your personal energy.  Choose faithfulness in friendship anyway.

Friends Forgive and Move On

17:9 One who forgives an affront fosters friendship, but one who dwells on disputes will alienate a friend.

This verse emphasizes the importance of friends knowing how to let bygones be bygones.  In Hebrew, its meaning is quite striking because the word translated as “affront” or “offence” is a very strong word.  It can be translated “open rebellion, intentional harm.”  In an OT Theology, I found it described as, Pesha is always rebellion – it signifies an attack on the rights of others.”  In other words, friends are not only willing to forgive when the other has done something little, but something fairly egregious.  I do think that the assumption here is that the offending party has expressed regret and the desire for reconciliation. 

The word translated “forgive” literally means “cover-up” or maybe “white-out.”  You cannot forget it occurred but you know how to forget about it and move on.  Friendships require that you know when to forgive and move on.  Some people just cannot give something up.  Instead of getting hysterical, they get historical.  They constantly go back and have to repeat what has happened. 

Know how to move on!  Know how to say, “Ok, that is over.  Let’s let it be behind us!”  That is, according to this proverb, so seek after love.  Be quick to cover up the imperfections of others.  I think about how there are things in my family that could, if I let them, really make me angry.  Most families are this way.

Several years ago, we were visiting some friends – a ranching family - in Montana.  While we were there, with these friends and her parents, another family member came by for a little while to say hello.  They left rather quickly.  A few weeks later we got a call from the ranching family saying, “Did we ignore my sister and her husband when they came by?  They are all angry at the family because they think Mom and Dad treat me as their favorite daughter and they cited that instance last month as an example when they were ignored.”  I remember thinking, “I want to always remember not to be so petty.  I want to be able to overlook the minor and focus on promoting family harmony.  We can all so easily get our feelings hurt if we sit and stew in our own juices long enough.”

Look, every one of your friends and family are imperfect.  Deal with it!  They are going to do things from time to time that are deeply hurtful.  Proverbial wisdom for us here is saying, “Know when to move on.  Know how to forgive and let it go.  Do it for the sake of friendship.  Don’t be quick to give up on friends, even when they’ve done things that are deeply offensive.

Friends speak the Truth even when it hurts

27:6 Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.

27:9  The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense

27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens the wits of another.

These sets of verses seem to say the exact opposite of what I just said.  One says, “Let bygones be bygones.”  Another says, “Speak the truth even when it hurts.”  I remember reading an introduction to Proverbs which indicated that Proverbs had to be read in creative tension.  Often, right near each other, are two proverbs which say things are seemingly contradictory.  But both have to be held in tension and as we ponder the tension, the wisdom and understanding arises.

There are times when you stop covering for your friends and you simply must level with them.  I think we can think this through on both ends.  On one hand, friends know when and how to level with each other.  Friends don’t protect friends while they self-destruct.  That is unhealthy.  Friends know how to say, “I think you have a problem here.” 

I heard a story once that was told at a funeral for a man who died in Vietnam.  It was held at his home church and one of the sisters at the church school told about how she remembered having this person as a child in class.  Whenever she would correct him, he would always respond, “Thank you for correcting me, Sister Angela!”  How many of us can be grateful to constructive criticism?  We always want to defend ourselves and prove our rightness.

There are two sides to this coin.  Friends know how to gently correct friends.  Friends know how to say, “Thanks for correcting me!”  Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.  They are sweet as perfume and incense.  Learn to love being corrected.

Final Admonitions on Friendship

First, learn to be a loyal friend.  Don’t pick friends out only on the basis of those who make you look good.  Don’t be looking to improve your friendship base.  Learn to extend loyalty and faithfulness to the friends you have.  Don’t look to find better friends, look to be a better friend.  It is good for you and brings health to your bones.

Second, learn to forgive your friends, even when they really hurt you or disappointed you.  There are no perfect friends.  You are not a perfect friend either.  Let’s not go down that road.

Third, learn how to give gentle, reasonable constructive criticism to your friends – especially when you feel they are self-destructing.  There are times to overlook their faults, there are times to critique their faults to save them from the problems you see in their future.  Know which is which and act accordingly.  Be able to love your friends even when it means being honest with them.  Be able to receive criticism.  Nothing in the world is harder.  Love those who love you enough to tell you the uncomfortable truth.